Dog-Eared Lessons From 2023
Ten good hard notes-to-self I visited and revisited this year.
This year rendered me brutally soft. It filled my Notes app with aphorisms, hovered and froze a scrolling thumb over TikTok tarot card readers and “virally vetted” self-help gurus, and started and ended pretty much the same way: on a weekly-scheduled phone call in my car, headlights toward the chainlink in a Little League parking lot.
A jewel-eyed man told me he didn’t want to hurt me. A teenage clairvoyant on the internet said I would be receiving an unexpected gift by the end of the week if I “follow and claim.” I decided to believe the one most obviously well-intentioned. I walked away maimed, unclaimed and giftless.
I grew up on that field. Not the one I call my therapist from now, another dozen of them a few hundred miles east. A sincere little kid at softball practice, two loose baby teeth and a mitt. Sincerity is scary. But “better hurt than hardened” or something like that. These are ten lessons I learned this year that keep me showing up.
1. BEING PURE OF HEART ALWAYS WINS
Even if it means you lose something. Even if it means you lose someone. Even if you’re left feeling temporarily powerless. Pure intentions are the ultimate power move.
2. BEHAVIOR CANNOT BE INFORMED BY A LABEL, THE LABEL SHOULD BE INFORMED BY THE BEHAVIOR
"Friend.” “Boyfriend.” “Girlfriend.” “Partner.” “Family.”
Accept others as they are. Let go of the idea that a label is what necessitates a particular behavior. Instead: observe someone’s behavior, then decide the label and level of engagement you feel they are deserving of based on that.
3. COMPASSION ≠ TOLERENCE
Just because I understand something does not mean I have to tolerate it.
4. “THIS IS A NEUTRAL EVENT”
You don’t need to assign a judgement or an emotion to every single event in the day. The story, the feeling, and your response to a situation are all embellishments. It’s only as important as you allow it to be.
5. PEOPLE CAN ONLY MEET YOU AS FAR AS THEY’VE MET THEMSELVES
You can’t win someone’s affection by giving them more of something they don’t want or understand. Meet others where they’re at. Trust that you will find people who will meet you where you’re at too.
6. NONCHALANCE IS A FORM OF SELF-SABOTAGE
You will not be rewarded for being indifferent. You are not too cool to care. Having needs is a sign of confidence. If you know what you need, you know who you are.
7. DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Even when it feels really, really personal. Another person’s opinions and reactions are based in their own life experience, their own reality. As are yours. None of it is personal.
8. WHEN I SLOW DOWN, I AM LOOKED AFTER
Give people the opportunity to show up for you. Trust that it is safe to stay. If I’m going to be afraid either way, I might as well do it honest.
9. TRUST YOUR INTUITION
You were right the first time.
Intuition is a muscle– it gets stronger when you exercise it.
10. SOME PEOPLE FEEL MOST POWERFUL WHEN THEY’RE KIND, SOME PEOPLE FEEL MOST POWERFUL WHEN THEY’RE CRUEL